Daddy Ali Cat is in the Navy. He actually re-joined the Navy on the same day we got married. The Captain that commissioned him said he was ruining his life in a single day. Ha!
I digress.
Since re-joining the military, he has had a great desire to deploy during the current war. He compared not deploying to seeing a friend in a fight and not being able to help the friend. It hurt him to not go.
While I do not share that feeling, I am compassionate and glad we have people in this country that WANT to do it for our nation. He wants to protect our land, family, friends, and strangers. I think he also wanted to experience war. Men and their curiosity. As much as it hurt me to see him leave me and the girls, I could not hold him back. What kind of wife would I be if I restrained him doing something he desperately needed to to? Not to mention that deploying is also good for his career.
We have two daughters Ali (3) and Madeleine (16 months). Madeleine is a mamas girl and dainty like moi. Ali is a tiny female version of Daddy. She likes rough housing, playing chase, being dirty and defiant, and LOVES her Daddy. They are two peas in a pod. When Daddy Ali Cat was doing his deployment training, he was gone for about 6 weeks. We were able to see him once in a while during but it was a nice trial period before he actually left. Ali seemed to handle that well, probably because we saw him on the weekends.
He left at the beginning of June at 3am. We tried to prepare Ali that he would be gone a long time and she needed to say good bye. She didn't quite understand. A lovely friend of mine stayed the night that night so that I could take Daddy to the drop off point in the middle of the night and not wake the girls. The next morning Ali asked where Daddy was. We sat down and I reminded her of the conversations that we had been having about Daddy going bye bye. She was angry. Very angry. She yelled repeatedly "Daddy no go bye bye" and sobbed.
She was confused the first few weeks. Daddy had been gone for up to 3 weeks in the past. Those first weeks were hard but manageable and not uncommon. There were many reminders that Daddy had to go bye bye to help people and he would be home as soon as he was done helping.
At the 3 week mark, the wheels came off. The reality of "a long time" hit her like a bag o bricks. Anger like I have never seen. Yelling, kicking, screaming at me, hitting the walls and doors and her pillows, throwing toys, mad faces, and mean words and being mean to Madeleine. Lots of hitting.
She hated the Daddy Doll, hated the recordable books, hated the videos he took with her. Hated it all.
I felt like a failure. Like the worst mother on the planet. Surely it was my fault. For 3 more weeks it continued to worsen. She was mean to her friends at school and angry at home. Everything was a fight. EVERYTHING. I gave up. I let her eat what she wanted to. I let her wear her shoes backwards and let her wear a headband with unbrushed hair. I let her watch TV all afternoon just to prevent yelling and angry. I had no idea what to do. I hoped that time would cure the emotions. I haven't cried for myself during this deployment, but I cried for Ali. She's at the worst age for this kind of change. Old enough to know Daddy is away but not old enough to understand why.
One day, a specifically tough and trying day, I told her it was time to eat dinner and TV was over. She threw herself on the floor, punching everything, including me, yelling, and flailing uncontrollably. Of course she had an accident. We had lots of potty accidents during this time.
After dinner and bath, I sobbed on my pillow. It was time to take control. I WAS being a bad mother for giving up. The next day I sold our TV and Playstation. This alone was the best decision for our family. No more fights about TV.
I also made her a chore chart. I used this tutorial. She only 4 chores: make her bed, get dressed, brush teeth, and pick up toys. When she completes a chore, we put a sticker on her chart. When she fills up the chart, she can choose between watching a movie, a new toy, or getting ice cream. I've designed it, so she gets a reward every 7-8 days. She LOVES doing her chores, flipping up the chart flap and putting stickers on her chart. It gives her a feeling of control.
Other things I started doing: giving lots of verbal praise EVERY time she did something sweet. From saying 'thank you' to giving Madeleine a kiss or just playing nice. Lots of enthusiasm in my voice and give her a hug.
Giving her choices for everything. What she wants to wear, how she wants her hair done for the day, or what to eat. For meals, I would give her 2-3 choices to pick from. Otherwise, she'd want chicken nuggets 3x a day.
We heavily focused on using words rather rather than yelling and hitting. When she would start screaming, I would look at her and wait until she was done. I would calmly say "Please TELL me what you need."
Along the same lines, periodically through the day I would ask her how she was feeling. We worked on the meanings behind happy, sad, and angry. I reminded her constantly that being sad or mad was okay and when she felt that way, she needed to tell me so we could talk about it.
If I need a brake, I tell Ali "Mommy needs to go to time out". I step out of the room for a few minutes and breath and stretch. This throws her for a loop and she'll generally stop whatever bad behavior she's doing.
I also stopped talking about Daddy. When she wanted to talk, then we would. When she didn't, I would not push it. It didn't take long before she mentioned Daddy. She asked me where he was.
I quickly pulled out a map. Showed her that she is in California and he is across a big ocean in Afghanistan. She stared at the map for a long time and finally said "Mommy, I need a boat." I cried and hugged her until she pushed me away. Oh yes, my love. We DO need a boat.
After these changes, I made an appointment with the MFLC (Marine Family Life Counselor. I believe this is what it stands for, I could be completely wrong) I was hoping she would give me more tips to help Ali get through the next several months. She didn't have anything to add, honestly. She said my changes are exactly what she always recommends to people. She did say that I shouldn't feel guilty. Children's first emotion is anger. But it's imperative that we teach our kids to be calm, otherwise it's worsens with age. She also reminded me that I need to keep myself in check. It's hard to not yell back and be angry. However, your child seeing you yell, will only make them yell more. Staying calm is not only being a good role model, but will help you think clearly during a stressful situation.
I did all of this within a few days. Her attitude and behavior have changed dramatically! I'm not saying everyday is cheesecake because it's not. It's hard being the sole caregiver 24/7. But it is SO much better now. She's excited to Skype with Daddy, she sleeps with Daddy Doll every night and wants to watch the videos and listen to his books. She loves her Daddy.
It's exhausting parenting alone. It's important to take time for yourself. At least one day a week, get a baby sitter or put the kiddos in daycare for several hours. During that time, do what makes you happy. That can be taking a nap, lunch with friends, mani/pedi. Personally, I go for a long jog, clean the house, and then sew.
I know this is focused on a parent being deployed, but no matter the reason (deployment, divorce, traveling parent, etc) children can have feelings of abandonment. I want other parents to know that this behavior is normal for kids. We need to help them through the tough times. Don't give up. There will be good days and bad days but you can only hope there are more good than bad.
If you need to talk to someone, I am all ears. Having someone in the same shoes listening is always helpful. Send me an email at brianne (dot) matlage (at) gmail (dot) com.
She was confused the first few weeks. Daddy had been gone for up to 3 weeks in the past. Those first weeks were hard but manageable and not uncommon. There were many reminders that Daddy had to go bye bye to help people and he would be home as soon as he was done helping.
At the 3 week mark, the wheels came off. The reality of "a long time" hit her like a bag o bricks. Anger like I have never seen. Yelling, kicking, screaming at me, hitting the walls and doors and her pillows, throwing toys, mad faces, and mean words and being mean to Madeleine. Lots of hitting.
She hated the Daddy Doll, hated the recordable books, hated the videos he took with her. Hated it all.
I felt like a failure. Like the worst mother on the planet. Surely it was my fault. For 3 more weeks it continued to worsen. She was mean to her friends at school and angry at home. Everything was a fight. EVERYTHING. I gave up. I let her eat what she wanted to. I let her wear her shoes backwards and let her wear a headband with unbrushed hair. I let her watch TV all afternoon just to prevent yelling and angry. I had no idea what to do. I hoped that time would cure the emotions. I haven't cried for myself during this deployment, but I cried for Ali. She's at the worst age for this kind of change. Old enough to know Daddy is away but not old enough to understand why.
One day, a specifically tough and trying day, I told her it was time to eat dinner and TV was over. She threw herself on the floor, punching everything, including me, yelling, and flailing uncontrollably. Of course she had an accident. We had lots of potty accidents during this time.
After dinner and bath, I sobbed on my pillow. It was time to take control. I WAS being a bad mother for giving up. The next day I sold our TV and Playstation. This alone was the best decision for our family. No more fights about TV.
I also made her a chore chart. I used this tutorial. She only 4 chores: make her bed, get dressed, brush teeth, and pick up toys. When she completes a chore, we put a sticker on her chart. When she fills up the chart, she can choose between watching a movie, a new toy, or getting ice cream. I've designed it, so she gets a reward every 7-8 days. She LOVES doing her chores, flipping up the chart flap and putting stickers on her chart. It gives her a feeling of control.
Other things I started doing: giving lots of verbal praise EVERY time she did something sweet. From saying 'thank you' to giving Madeleine a kiss or just playing nice. Lots of enthusiasm in my voice and give her a hug.
Giving her choices for everything. What she wants to wear, how she wants her hair done for the day, or what to eat. For meals, I would give her 2-3 choices to pick from. Otherwise, she'd want chicken nuggets 3x a day.
We heavily focused on using words rather rather than yelling and hitting. When she would start screaming, I would look at her and wait until she was done. I would calmly say "Please TELL me what you need."
Along the same lines, periodically through the day I would ask her how she was feeling. We worked on the meanings behind happy, sad, and angry. I reminded her constantly that being sad or mad was okay and when she felt that way, she needed to tell me so we could talk about it.
If I need a brake, I tell Ali "Mommy needs to go to time out". I step out of the room for a few minutes and breath and stretch. This throws her for a loop and she'll generally stop whatever bad behavior she's doing.
I also stopped talking about Daddy. When she wanted to talk, then we would. When she didn't, I would not push it. It didn't take long before she mentioned Daddy. She asked me where he was.
I quickly pulled out a map. Showed her that she is in California and he is across a big ocean in Afghanistan. She stared at the map for a long time and finally said "Mommy, I need a boat." I cried and hugged her until she pushed me away. Oh yes, my love. We DO need a boat.
After these changes, I made an appointment with the MFLC (Marine Family Life Counselor. I believe this is what it stands for, I could be completely wrong) I was hoping she would give me more tips to help Ali get through the next several months. She didn't have anything to add, honestly. She said my changes are exactly what she always recommends to people. She did say that I shouldn't feel guilty. Children's first emotion is anger. But it's imperative that we teach our kids to be calm, otherwise it's worsens with age. She also reminded me that I need to keep myself in check. It's hard to not yell back and be angry. However, your child seeing you yell, will only make them yell more. Staying calm is not only being a good role model, but will help you think clearly during a stressful situation.
I did all of this within a few days. Her attitude and behavior have changed dramatically! I'm not saying everyday is cheesecake because it's not. It's hard being the sole caregiver 24/7. But it is SO much better now. She's excited to Skype with Daddy, she sleeps with Daddy Doll every night and wants to watch the videos and listen to his books. She loves her Daddy.
It's exhausting parenting alone. It's important to take time for yourself. At least one day a week, get a baby sitter or put the kiddos in daycare for several hours. During that time, do what makes you happy. That can be taking a nap, lunch with friends, mani/pedi. Personally, I go for a long jog, clean the house, and then sew.
I know this is focused on a parent being deployed, but no matter the reason (deployment, divorce, traveling parent, etc) children can have feelings of abandonment. I want other parents to know that this behavior is normal for kids. We need to help them through the tough times. Don't give up. There will be good days and bad days but you can only hope there are more good than bad.
If you need to talk to someone, I am all ears. Having someone in the same shoes listening is always helpful. Send me an email at brianne (dot) matlage (at) gmail (dot) com.
Big Big hugs to you and Ali and Madeleine . I genuinely have no idea how you do it and you are such an inspiration…. Ali is a strong little girl and she will be stronger after this. You are doing a great job as a mother
ReplyDeleteThanks Hayley! That means a lot. You are such a wonderful mother as well. I've learn a lot from you.
DeleteI have no idea how you do it either! I look up to you so much and know you're girls are incredibly lucky to have such an amazing mother!
ReplyDeleteYou put it all into words so perfectly! Noah was really young (3 months) the first time that Erick left, so he couldn't really miss someone he never really knew- but that year was so hard on me (keeping my sanity, and all that). Erick's about to be gone for 4+ months with Ranger School, and I know that it's going to be harder now that Noah's older and I have Abby too. Thinking about it isn't even fun, but I do know that I need to start preparing now. You are an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you!
ReplyDeletelove,
mom